Our Infertility Journey Part I

Coy and I always had a feeling that we would have difficulty getting pregnant (mostly because of my long-time diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) but I we had no idea about how tough, long, and rocky the journey before us was going to be. Unlike my two older sisters who only seem to have to blink to get pregnant, Coy and I's journey has gone on for (over) the past year and a half. Twenty months filled with anticipation, disappointment, sorrow, and anger. I read on a blog once about a writer who had miscarried that stated unless you have gone through it, you have no idea the emotions that one has to carry. The same is true for infertility...until you have lived through it, you have no idea of the roller coaster that life becomes. And even saying that, each person's journey of infertility is completely different - no story is the same and each story comes with it's own set of struggles and hurdles. However, I can guarantee that each journey includes an almost inconsolable pain in the deepest part of your being.
Our story has included months upon months of blood tests, ultrasounds, medications (which only turned me into even a bigger crazy person), shots, procedures, and many unanswered questions. In addition to this it was many months of feelings and signs that this was finally the month only to be followed by such a powerful disappointment and heartbreak. It was time and time again of watching people around us get pregnant while we had to sit idly by and then working through the emotions of being happy for people we love while at the same time feeling like our heart was being ripped out of our bodies (may seem like a dramatic description, but unfortunately reality). It included tears, upon tears, upon tears. It included sleepless nights. It included so much uncertainty, stress, and helplessness. It has been a struggle that Coy and I have carried with each other ,and while this did strengthen our relationship, it is difficult to carry something so heavy in silence.
Infertility is such a lonely place. It is not something people talk about and want to shout from the rooftops. It is personal and private and yet keeping it so personal and private allows little room for strength and comfort that others can bring. It brings a lot of conflict and when you do tell people about the struggle it is even harder to sit back and watch them figure out the 'right' words to say, even though in this case there are often no right words.
I won't bore you with all of the medical reasons behind our infertility except to say that I bring Polycystic Ovarian disease to the table and Coy brought some low levels of various things. Overall what this means is just that is has been much harder for us to make a baby naturally. Our desire through this whole process has been to conceive naturally; however at the end of the day that just wasn't in the Lord's plans for us. While having a relationship with God has made this journey a little easier because of the comfort and belief that God will prevail over this situation, it has also brought a new set of emotions to the table. Anger at God, questioning of His plans for our lives, and confusion over why the God of the Universe (who is so capable of performing miracles) has not chosen to give us a miracle. What Coy and I have both had to realize (through months of struggle) is that God still is capable of miracles, God still loves us more than anything in the world, and God is the only one who knows the pain we have and are going through. What we have also come to terms with is that God's timing is always better than our own. God's plan for our lives far outweighs our own personal desires. And even if we never fully understand why this was the journey we have been on, we will continue to trust in God's perfect plan and follow Him in all things.