Hope.

The funny thing about hope is that it can encompass many different things. Above all I have my hope in the Lord. But beyond that it is imperative (to my sanity and emotional/mental wellbeing) that I also hope in things that are more tangible. Through a lot of discussion recently and some real heart searching Coy and I have come to the conclusion that while we are desperately hoping to be blessed with a child we must also have hope in a future that does not involve any children. All of the plans and dreams that we have had for our future involved children; however, as with all things, the future is unclear and may not unfold as we have imagined. With that becoming more of a reality with each passing day it has recently become increasingly important to us to develop dreams for ourselves that does not involve a baby. There are no dreams in life that even compare to the desire I have within me to get pregnant, to be a mother and to see Coy be a father. With each passing day this desire seems to be slipping farther and farther away. We have decided that instead of wadding around daily in that 'what if's and why not's' we will also start dreaming of a future with just the two of us. This is not giving up hope - instead it is just the opposite. It is desperately holding onto hope while also having hope about the alternative. Because the reality is that if I did not find something alternative to hope for I would be in a pit of despair.

 

This fact remains - God has a plan for our lives. Of course in our mind we desire for it to involve future children and a growing family. But if this is not the route our lives take, God still has a plan. We must choose to daily find hope in our sufferings. We must daily choose to believe that God's purpose and plan for our lives is greater than anything we can see at the present.

 

As Romans 5:3-5 says,

'There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!" (The Message).  

 

As much as I do not want to imagine a different outcome then what we have been seeking I must also continue to hope and to dream, believing that this beautiful life to which I have been given will continue to be blessed and lived out with a purpose that glorifies God. I must choose "to not lose heart, though outwardly I am wasting away, yet inwardly I am being renewed day by day. My light and momentary troubles are achieving for me an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So I will fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what I see is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).