choices.

A few weeks ago I got congratulated twice in one week on my 'pregnancy' (which before you get ahead of yourself...no, I am not pregnant). The first occasion happened during a phone call to the hospital where I had my million ultrasounds done while we were doing our IUI's. I had called to sort out a billing question and as the woman on the other end of the phone looked over my bills she casually said, 'Looks like someone is having a baby. Congratulations." I replied shocked, 'I'm sorry, are you referring to me?' 'Yes,' she said, followed by another 'Congratulations.' I hastily informed her that no, I am not pregnant. To which I received silence.

Two days later I was at Kroger attempting to find prenatal vitamins (again, not pregnant, just a recent recommendation by my doctor to begin taking). I asked this sweet man for help and after he showed me to the prenatal section of the vitamin isle he smiled and gave me a big 'Congratulations on your baby.' While I should have just let it slide, I quickly informed him no, I am not pregnant. He clearly felt awful and I assured him several times that it was fine.

Luckily these instances occurred now and not a few months ago. Because of where I am emotionally and the progress I have made, these situations did not make me break down in tears about the sorrow of my life but instead brought some laughter. And while I am in a completely different place than I was a few months ago it still comes down to a choice about my reaction to the circumstances of life. It so easy to let life's trials cause bitterness and resentment. I have been a victim of these feelings a lot over the past two years. And sometimes I even want to hold onto my bitterness, sadness, hopelessness, and anger. But at the end of it all I am tired of carrying all of the weight those feelings bring. I have too long allowed our struggle with infertility to guide my days. I was recently reminded that no matter what is going on in my life, no matter the pain or uncertainty, Jesus is still the King of my life. He still loves me each minute of the day, even the days that I am angry with Him or want nothing to do with His plans for my life. Life is full of so many choices...not only choices about where to go, what to say, and how to spend our time but also choices over how we react to situations, the mindset we take during trials, and the choice to remain either hopeful, accusatory, or in a state of despair. Instead of pointing my finger and blaming others (including God) and instead of choosing to be downtrodden and negative I have decided that each day, I will throw off the bitterness and resentment over unanswered questions. I could easily choose to remain as I have been and sit in my puddle of self-pity or I could choose to be reminded daily, multiple times each day, of God's great plan for my life.

We each have a choice of how to live our days. Some days we may stray off the path of positively and strength but I want to choose to live my life with expectation for what is in store. The future is so uncertain and as Coy and I start looking forward with a clean canvas, free of any of the plans we had two years ago, we are filled with both sadness of letting go of our dreams of a family but also thankfulness that we are able to go through life together. Because in the end, life is too short and too beautiful of a journey to live it full of sorrow and sadness over what could have been. And while I may not live this out every day of my life, from now on I am dedicated to making a choice to let go of the things that have held me down. With each passing day I will make a conscious choice to look forward to the future with expectation of greater things to come.

"Yes, my soul, finds rest in God, my hope comes from Him." Psalms 62:5