Our Infertility Journey Part II: A Timeline

Last week I shared about Coy and I's journey with infertility. (here in case you missed it). Below is a detailed account of our story so far. Although most may not care about this much detail, it also serves as a reminder for me to look back on as time goes by. Also, if you are not one for wanting information about the female body...this post might not be for you!

2002: I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). This didn't really mean much to me expect that I had to start taking birth control along with some other medications to decrease some of the side effects of the disease. I originally was being checked for this because of a consistent irregular period.

October, 2011: Coy and I decided we were ready to start trying for a family. I went off of my birth control this month. We thought it might take us a few months so wanted to get an early start.

October, 2011 - June 2012: For the most part, I continued to have a regular period, even off of my birth control; however still was not able to conceive. Although my period came most every month it was not consistent so during this time we had several times where we were certain we were pregnant (because of a really late or nonexistent period) only to get a negative pregnancy test each time. Not only was the test negative but in most instances my period would start the following day (3-7 days after the expected arrival of my cycle!). Also during this time my sister and one of my best friends shared the news that they were expecting. Both of these announcements came just after one of the above mentioned scenarios, a time where we were certain I was pregnant, only to later discover I was not. During this time I had two instances where my period simply did not start and I had to be placed on a different medication (Prometrium) to force my cycle to begin.

June 2012 - October 2012: After 8 months of not conceiving My OBGYN started me a small dosage of Clomid (50 mg). This medication was used to cause my body to ovulate. A common issue with PCOS is lack of ovulation. While on this medication I received positive ovulation tests but still was not able to conceive. In October I was referred to a specialist.

October 2012 - January 2013: I love my OBGYN so I was a little nervous to start seeing someone else. However, after the first visit I started to love my specialist as well. {She is around 90 years old and she is a feisty little thing! She loves to talk about basketball, scuba-diving, and other sporting things with Coy whenever they see each other which always makes for a good laugh afterwards.} My specialist continued me on Clomid but increased my dosage to 100mg. They discovered during this time (through several blood tests and vaginal ultrasounds - yes it had to that kind because life itself wasn't already miserable enough) that although I was ovulating I was not ovulating at an expected and appropriate rate. During this same time Coy was tested as well. Due to some concerning results he was also referred to a specialist. After seeing a specialist and having some tests run it was determined that although there was nothing major wrong there; however, Coy's levels did require he also be placed on two different types of medication. Positive results were seen with him in one-two months. Because of Coy's levels in addition to my body (the Clomid I was taking was necessary for ovulation but also made levels in my own body an unlikely place for conception) the doctor decided Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) would be the next best step for us.

January 2013: Before we could have our first IUI done I had to get an ultrasound done to determine if my follicles were a good enough size for this to be successful. We had already scheduled the IUI for the following Monday and had our ultrasound on Saturday morning. During this ultrasound it was discovered that not only were my follicles not large enough but that I had a cyst on one of my ovaries. Because of these two things the IUI had to be cancelled. I was left with directions to just wait and see if the cyst dissolved on it's own - if it did not I would most likely have to be placed back on birth control for 1-2 months in order to get the cyst to dissolve. This was some of the most devastating news we had received yet. Not only was our procedure cancelled but there was a chance I would have to go back on birth control, the very opposite thing you want to hear when you have already been trying to conceive unsuccessfully for over a year.

January 2013 - present: Each month has consisted of the same procedure. I wait until I start my period. When this happens, call the doctor. An ultrasound is scheduled within a few days. If the ultrasound looked good I would start taking the Clomid (which caused me to go into hormone hysteria). A few days later I would start an at home ovulation predictor kit. If this did not show ovulation by a certain date I would call the doctor again and schedule for a second ultrasound. If the follicles looked promising I would be scheduled for an IUI, if the follicles did not look promising I would be placed on a different medication, Progesterone, for 10 days and then the process would start over again.

February 2013: After the above process completed I had an initial ultrasound to see if the cyst was still present. Thankfully it was not. The process continued until my next ultrasound where it was discovered that my follicles were just not large enough for the IUI. We would have to wait and see what happened next month. During this time I never received a positive at home ovulation prediction and have consistently been receiving at least two ultrasounds per month. At this time my doctor increased my Clomid to 150 mg, at this time we started to see positive results from the higher dosage. However, because of this increased dosage it seemed I had little to no control over my emotions or my body. It only added to the misery already taking place in our lives!

March 2013: We finally received the go ahead for our first round of IUI. This included some prep work at home, aka Coy giving me a shot of HcG in my butt. Which was awesome and really romantic (insert extreme sarcasm). It ended up not being as traumatic as we both had anticipated, but it still takes your relationship to another level of intimacy.

March 30, 2013: We went in for our first IUI the Saturday before Easter and it was a HORRIBLE experience. Not only did the doctor not have the correct tool needed (I need a special instrument because of a curve in my cervix - which was known from my millions of ultrasounds done up to this point) but because she was missing the correct tool she had to clamp my cervix in two different spots. In addition she was only able to get as far as my cervix, decreasing our chances of success. The procedure itself is very uncomfortable and causes a lot of pain, but add in clamping and it was the most painful thing I have ever been through. Not only was it painful but extremely traumatic. It was traumatic both emotionally and physically - it caused extreme cramping and pain throughout the remainder of the day. I left the experience just thinking over and over again that there was no way I could ever go through that again. My only hope was that the procedure would be successful. During the next month Coy and I both had a lot of peace around the situation. The negative experience of the IUI had caused us to put some of our trust back in the Lord, which through this process had disappeared somewhere. We both decided that no matter the outcome it had caused us to regain focus and have an increase of trust and peace.

April 2013: Two weeks and one day later we discovered that the procedure had not been successful. It was an extremely devastating time. Not only did this mean that I had to put my body through the whole thing again but it also meant that the medical charges and bill would continue to pile up (in case the thought hadn't crossed your mind, multiple ultrasounds, doctor's appointments, medication, and the IUI is not anywhere near cheap.) Thus began the process again. My doctor decided to change my medication to Letrozole. This ended up being a good change because I did not experience quite as many side effects as I did with the Clomid. After two ultrasounds the doctor determined we could schedule our second round of IUI. We did another at home shot of Hcg, this time with even less anxiety than with the first, which was something to be thankful for!

April 20, 2013: We went in for our second IUI. Although this one wasn't quite as painful it still caused a good amount of discomfort and left me in a lot of pain throughout the day. (The pain is similar to menstrual cramps but only on a much more intense scale.) I am happy to say this was my first visit to the doctor (including each and every ultrasound that I had over the past four + months) that I did not leave in tears. Although the doctor had the correct tool this time she was still not able again to get into my uterus, only making it as far as my cervix. Despite this, the doctor was much more hopeful about this particular procedure.

May 12, 2013 (Mother's Day): How ironic/appropriate that on the morning of Mother's Day we found out our most recent IUI was not successful. Not only did Mother's Day remind me again that despite all our trying I am not a mom but it was a day of huge disappointment reminding us that we had spent another wasted month, wasted procedure, and wasted money.

May 24, 2013: After another round of Letrozole (and another shot in the butt performed by my now pro shot-giver husband) we had our third round of IUI. Although this was our third round this was our first 'successful' round. Successful, not meaning it worked, but successful because they were finally able to get all the up to my uterus instead of stopping short at my cervix. This was made possible due to the fact that I had to drink large amounts of water followed by hours of not going to the bathroom. While worth it because of the success of the procedure, it added a whole new realm of pain to the experience. However, to date, despite the overflowing bladder, this was the smoothest procedure. I was not sore from my shot and I had minimal pain following the procedure. (In the past I have been in severe pain for the remainder of the day - while I still had pain this time around it was much more manageable.) We left the office feeling very hopeful, especially after we received cheers from the doctor and the nurse after the success of the procedure.

Two weeks later, 2013: Another month of devastating news as we discovered our third round of IUI was again, unsuccessful. So as I write we are starting the process over again. Medication, ultrasound, procedure, and then waiting.

We are trying to remain hopeful that this upcoming month will be successful. Hope however is an ever flowing river. Some days we have an abundance and some days we have none. Luckily, it typically seems that on the days Coy has no hope I have a lot and vice versa.
If this month is not successful we plan to take a break in July (partially because we be in Florida during the time of our procedure and partially because we just need one). During this month off we will be seeking direction in where to go from here. Pray for us as we face this month and the months to come.

Dill Pickle Dip

This recipe has been sitting on my Pinterest unused for months. It's creation was long overdue because it was SO good. Of course, this is coming from the ultimate pickle lover. If you love pickles and love dips this will be a perfect combination for you!

1 (8 ounce) package of cream cheese, softened to room temperature
1- 1 1/2 cups chopped dill pickles (I used my Pampered Chef chopper but a food processor would also work great)
1/4 cup finely chopped sweet onion (I substituted with green onion due to not realizing my onion that I planned to use had gone bad)
2- 4 tablespoons pickle juice (use less for thicker dip or more for thinner dip)
1 teaspoon dried dill weed
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
freshly ground black pepper, to taste

Mix thoroughly. Refrigerate for at least an hour before serving.
Serve with pretzels, vegetables, chips, etc.

Encouraged.

I was a little nervous before posting yesterday's blog. (In case you missed it, find it here.) However, I cannot say enough about all of the love, support, and encouragement that Coy and I received following that post. It was a little overwhelming and a great reminder of how we are not alone. It is amazing how many people are going through something so similar to us. It is also amazing how many people have already gone through it and made it out as survivors! I went to bed last night feeling so encouraged and so hopeful about the future; not just about the future as I would like to see it but the future that God has in store for us!

Some more encouragement came last week while sitting in the doctor's office for hours (and hours). While waiting, Coy and I were able to watch this video together. It was done by several couples from Grace Place, a church outside of Nashville, TN and the church that I used to call home. Not only the place I called home but the church which helped mold me during those significant years following college where I really started to become the person I am today. This video shares the story of five couples and their journey to parenthood. Each story is a little different but each story comes with tragedy, hopelessness, and pain - followed by trust in God and joy! God's faithfulness is so evident in their lives and they are a testament to his love for us. I found myself moved to tears at numerous times watching this video and was so encouraged by each of their stories. These are some pretty amazing people and I feel blessed to have journeyed together with them in life for several years before I moved back to Indiana.

Although the video is long, it is definitely worth the watch!

Our Infertility Journey Part I

Coy and I always had a feeling that we would have difficulty getting pregnant (mostly because of my long-time diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) but I we had no idea about how tough, long, and rocky the journey before us was going to be. Unlike my two older sisters who only seem to have to blink to get pregnant, Coy and I's journey has gone on for (over) the past year and a half. Twenty months filled with anticipation, disappointment, sorrow, and anger. I read on a blog once about a writer who had miscarried that stated unless you have gone through it, you have no idea the emotions that one has to carry. The same is true for infertility...until you have lived through it, you have no idea of the roller coaster that life becomes. And even saying that, each person's journey of infertility is completely different - no story is the same and each story comes with it's own set of struggles and hurdles. However, I can guarantee that each journey includes an almost inconsolable pain in the deepest part of your being.
Our story has included months upon months of blood tests, ultrasounds, medications (which only turned me into even a bigger crazy person), shots, procedures, and many unanswered questions. In addition to this it was many months of feelings and signs that this was finally the month only to be followed by such a powerful disappointment and heartbreak. It was time and time again of watching people around us get pregnant while we had to sit idly by and then working through the emotions of being happy for people we love while at the same time feeling like our heart was being ripped out of our bodies (may seem like a dramatic description, but unfortunately reality). It included tears, upon tears, upon tears. It included sleepless nights. It included so much uncertainty, stress, and helplessness. It has been a struggle that Coy and I have carried with each other ,and while this did strengthen our relationship, it is difficult to carry something so heavy in silence.
Infertility is such a lonely place. It is not something people talk about and want to shout from the rooftops. It is personal and private and yet keeping it so personal and private allows little room for strength and comfort that others can bring. It brings a lot of conflict and when you do tell people about the struggle it is even harder to sit back and watch them figure out the 'right' words to say, even though in this case there are often no right words.
I won't bore you with all of the medical reasons behind our infertility except to say that I bring Polycystic Ovarian disease to the table and Coy brought some low levels of various things. Overall what this means is just that is has been much harder for us to make a baby naturally. Our desire through this whole process has been to conceive naturally; however at the end of the day that just wasn't in the Lord's plans for us. While having a relationship with God has made this journey a little easier because of the comfort and belief that God will prevail over this situation, it has also brought a new set of emotions to the table. Anger at God, questioning of His plans for our lives, and confusion over why the God of the Universe (who is so capable of performing miracles) has not chosen to give us a miracle. What Coy and I have both had to realize (through months of struggle) is that God still is capable of miracles, God still loves us more than anything in the world, and God is the only one who knows the pain we have and are going through. What we have also come to terms with is that God's timing is always better than our own. God's plan for our lives far outweighs our own personal desires. And even if we never fully understand why this was the journey we have been on, we will continue to trust in God's perfect plan and follow Him in all things.