Our Infertility Journey Part III

Our journey with infertility continues. (Part I & Part II) And incase you haven't figured it yet by the fact there is a part three, our fourth IUI was unsuccessful. Looking back over the past almost two years of a monthly disappointment the days all run together in big blurs. I'm sure though that this particular day, as with the rest, was filled with tears, feelings of hopelessness and defeat, and more tears. The thing I do remember though is that this day was dragged into multiple days due to some extra checking that the doctor wanted to do, which included an (negative) at home pregnancy test and a (negative) in-office blood pregnancy test. Despite the disappointment, we quickly recovered and went on with our lives (because really, what other choice is there). We stuck to our word and took a month off of doctor's appointments, medications, and procedures. We were lucky enough to spend a week of this month in Florida with my family, where a strict 'no talking about our infertility' rule was enforced. We came back home refreshed and renewed and confident that God would bless our month off with a natural conception, because in our minds what better way to give God the glory in this situation. However, as with our entire journey, God has other (and greater) plans for our lives.

 

This past weekend we completed our fifth and final IUI. Going into the appointment Coy and I had already decided this would be our last. Not only because of the financial burden of these procedures every month (and not to mentioned that Coy has been without a job for the past 2+ months) but also because of the emotional toll it takes on both of us. We know that it is time to get our focus back on life itself and away from all of the attention that fertility treatment demands. Although we know this was our last IUI we are not sure what the next route is. Whether we step away from treatments all together and begin making other plans for our life that do not involve children, or whether we start saving for IVF (which costs a whopping $12,000) remains to be discovered. Our prayer is that we won't have to worry about the other options because this IUI will be successful, but if not we will continue to pray for direction and peace.

 

That being said, this recent procedure brought a great deal of finality for me. And while part of this was relief to be done with the monthly stress of all that a procedure involves the other part involved a bit of mourning surrounding the fact that while we are not giving up on the idea of having our own child, we are giving up on some of the hope that the IUI's brought. And although it should have been this way all along, we must now put 100% of our hope and trust in the power and promises of God, because there is no longer any human procedure or medication for us to find our hope in.

 

I read this verse Sunday night (after our IUI) and it came at a perfect time, a reminder of God's plans for our lives and the restoration that he is going to continue to provide to us.

"The God of grace, who called you into his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever." 1 Peter 5: 10-11 

Dog: man's (my) best friend.

Fact: I am an obsessed dog mom.

Also Fact: I am not ashamed of this.

Dog's really are man's best friend. These dogs are seriously like my children. And I know that probably only is because I don't have children but nonetheless they're my babies. The best part is that they are best friends too (as you can see below). Unless you have a dog you probably don't understand...but if you do, you totally get this love I am talking about.

Life as we Know it.

We went to the Colts training camp...which just happens to be held at my al mater...Anderson University. Although we only stayed about an hour it was fun to see all of the players for the first time this season!

The State Fair is one of my favorite times of year. Mostly because I love eating all the heavenly food that I don't get the rest of the year. But...the animals and rides are also a good time...

 Obsessed with these pigs. I had to convince myself not to snatch

one of the little babies to take them home with me.

 Wow. This was probably the best thing I have ever eaten...fried cookie dough.

 My life will never be the same.

World's Biggest Popcorn Ball. Who knew this award existed but there you have it.

After doing some work in Cincinnati hubs and I headed to Kings Island and spent a great afternoon and evening at Kings Island. We both had spent many trips here growing up and it was fun to make a new memory together. It was so much fun! And if you ever go...make sure you power through the fear, knotted stomach, and almost tears (not saying this happened to anyone first hand) to ride the Diamondback. Also - don't miss out on the Firehawk...it's crazy!

 Thanks to someone majorly hooking us up we went to the first preseason game of the Colt's season. Although no one really cares of preseason it was a great seeing the starters play for a few series and it didn't hurt that we had amazing seats! Seriously - best seats. We will be spoiled whenever we go again because our seats will never be this good again.

 

 

Hope.

The funny thing about hope is that it can encompass many different things. Above all I have my hope in the Lord. But beyond that it is imperative (to my sanity and emotional/mental wellbeing) that I also hope in things that are more tangible. Through a lot of discussion recently and some real heart searching Coy and I have come to the conclusion that while we are desperately hoping to be blessed with a child we must also have hope in a future that does not involve any children. All of the plans and dreams that we have had for our future involved children; however, as with all things, the future is unclear and may not unfold as we have imagined. With that becoming more of a reality with each passing day it has recently become increasingly important to us to develop dreams for ourselves that does not involve a baby. There are no dreams in life that even compare to the desire I have within me to get pregnant, to be a mother and to see Coy be a father. With each passing day this desire seems to be slipping farther and farther away. We have decided that instead of wadding around daily in that 'what if's and why not's' we will also start dreaming of a future with just the two of us. This is not giving up hope - instead it is just the opposite. It is desperately holding onto hope while also having hope about the alternative. Because the reality is that if I did not find something alternative to hope for I would be in a pit of despair.

 

This fact remains - God has a plan for our lives. Of course in our mind we desire for it to involve future children and a growing family. But if this is not the route our lives take, God still has a plan. We must choose to daily find hope in our sufferings. We must daily choose to believe that God's purpose and plan for our lives is greater than anything we can see at the present.

 

As Romans 5:3-5 says,

'There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!" (The Message).  

 

As much as I do not want to imagine a different outcome then what we have been seeking I must also continue to hope and to dream, believing that this beautiful life to which I have been given will continue to be blessed and lived out with a purpose that glorifies God. I must choose "to not lose heart, though outwardly I am wasting away, yet inwardly I am being renewed day by day. My light and momentary troubles are achieving for me an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So I will fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what I see is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).





 

The beach...my second home.

This past week has been ROUGH adjusting to life after vacation.

We spent an amazing week in Flagler Beach, Florida. Although it was a week filled with a few more thunderstorms than I would have hoped for it was still a great week. We spent the week in a beautiful home on the beach and had a lot of laughs, rest, and relaxation. The problem with vacation is that it always arrives slowly and then passes by entirely too quickly. Coming into this vacation week I can't remember the last time I was so excited to have a week away. The week did not disappoint and it was full of everything that I was needing at the time. I am so thankful for my parents who makes this annual trip a possibility and for a family that I actually enjoy and love spending time with.

Above all, I am blessed.

 

 First dinner out on the beach!

 best friend cousins.

 it was as beautiful on the inside as it is on the out!

 love this guy!

 waiting for dinner in Saint Augustine.

 view from our third floor balcony.

 making the most of the rain.

 love being an aunt and an uncle.

 favorite little coffee/ice cream shop in Saint Augustine.

our favorite place to be.  

 our humble abode.

 annual family pic.

 nana and papa and the kids.

love my sissies.

 

Already counting down to my next vacation...whenever that might be!