for this child...

"For this child we have prayed and the Lord has granted us the desires of our hearts."
-1 Samuel 1:27

At the beginning of 2015 we were challenged by our pastor to write down what we wanted God to do in our lives throughout the rest of the year. That night, as Coy and I lay in bed, we made a list. My list was filled with many things, with the constant theme centered around God blessing us with a baby this year. I also asked that God would use our journey to bring others closer to Him and that my story would show others the love and constant faithful of Jesus, even without the blessing of a baby.

Little did I know that just a few short months later God would grant us the greatest desire of our hearts after almost 4 years of waiting. (If you have missed our story up until this point you can catch up here, here, here, and here.) Looking back, this journey has been excruciating at times. It included more tears than I'd like to remember, too much heartache and disappointment to measure, and so much sorrow and confusion. And yet...looking back I can see God's hand in all of it. Yes, there were times when I turned away, angry at God; when I questioned His goodness, His love, and His mercy; and yes, there were times when I gave up praying up altogether because I had run out of the strength to pray again for a baby that never seemed like it would come. But it was in those times where His love was at it strongest. These times were when he kept us afloat. These were the times when others continued to pray for our miracle when we had run out prayers and hope.

And through all of the unanswered requests and confusion God remained faithful. Even in our darkest moments God's love never left our side. His presence was always there and His arms were always open. And I truly believe in my heart that even if we had not been able to conceive I would still be standing here now saying the same thing. We had heard so many stories of couples who had finally just given up and surrendered to the fact that they would live their lives without children and shortly after found out they were pregnant. And yet, as hard as we tried to force this feeling into our own lives it was not something that could be forced. It was a process. A process which was completed without us even knowing it. For years, my prayers were that I could fully surrender...and at times it felt like I had given our infertility completely to God... but then situations would arise and my own control would float to the surface again. Earlier this year was a time when I was feeling particularly good...happy, content, peaceful...and feeling like I had finally reached the place of full surrender. And then something happened...I un-expectantly hit rock bottom. I received a call from my sister with the joyous news that she was pregnant for the 4th time. Which is beautifully wonderful news, except when this news keeps happening to everyone else around you, except you. And just like that...all my peace and contentment was gone in an instant. I was alone when I got the news, which at the time made me angry but later realized that was probably a blessing. In that moment I lost all control. I cried harder and more than I probably have in my entire life. For the rest of the afternoon the tears would.not.stop. I literally felt as though I could not go on. I was out of strength. I was completely dry and empty and felt like I had nothing left. I cried out to God in a way that I had not done before. I pleaded with him to take this pain away from me. I begged him to take the desire for my own child away. I was desperate. I thought I had felt desperate before but this was a desperation like one I had never known. Through my tears I pleaded for perseverance and fell before him without any strength left in my body, heart, or spirit. It was official...I was empty. Looking back I was certain I had felt an emptiness like none other but little did I know I had much, much more that needed to be surrendered to God. I was completely empty. And while being empty is not a great place to be, being empty meant that I was ready to be filled by God and only God. And it was from this place of emptiness that God began to fill both Coy and I. It was from this moment on that we both began a process unbeknownst to us...we were moving on with our lives in a posture of surrender. Not a forced surrender or one that we planned and with great effort put into it, but almost a surrender that just happened and just was. From emptiness came a new and different type of hope and trust in the Lord. We had not given up on our hope for a baby but looking back we had both put our trust in God in a way we had not done before and therefore the daily struggle of infertility almost melted away and we lived our lives with a new sense of peace. We trusted God fully. He had taken care of us this far and we knew he would continue to do so. We were happy, content, and filled with peace. And all of this seemed to happen without us even knowing it- almost as if we woke up one day and suddenly realized that we would survive and life would go on and be beautiful and the Lord would continue to bless us...even without the baby we had been praying for.

So a few months later, when we finally received the biggest desire of our hearts it was truly when we least expected it. Since this moment our reliance on God has continued to be strengthened. We are continually learning that trusting in him can never cease. It is a daily choice and one we must both consciously choose.

The past almost four years have been some of the most difficult of my life. And yet, I never want to forget this journey...our journey. Our journey with each other, with Coy and I growing closer to each other through our silent pain. Our journey with God, with the ups and downs and everything in between. And our journey with others, because it is my constant hope that my journey has meant something to the others who have heard it. While forgetting would mean leaving behind all of the pain and tears it would also mean forgetting the reliance on God we have learned. Forgetting would mean taking away all of the pruning and working God did in our lives during this time. It would mean forgetting about the way He picked me up from my broken emptiness and restored and healed me so that I would be ready for his biggest blessing. My prayer is that I will always remember this struggle, a struggle that so many women face and yet many never receive the blessing we have been given. I pray that I will not just always remember this struggle and this journey but that I will use my story to show others the constant faithfulness of God. Because without him I cannot imagine how different this journey would have looked.

We have been so blessed with this precious gift and cannot wait to meet our little miracle in February!

Thailand: days 10-13

Day 10:
We spent this day at the resort. It was great to be able to just relax. We walked down to Jin's for lunch (for the fourth and final time of the week) and lounged around the beach and pool. A storm blew in late in the day, which was perfect timing and happened during our massage on the beach. In the early evening we walked a short distance up the road to the W Hotel. They have an outside lounge that overlooks the Gulf. We went early in the evening so were able to get a seat in their sunken couches.
After this we headed back to Maenam Beach for their street market. Although it is not as large as Fisherman's Village it was a good size. We had a few pre-dinner snacks and then finished the evening with dinner on the beach.

Day 11:
One day 9 we headed back to our favorite beach, Lamai. We called a taxi driver from a previous night and he drove us there, waited on us all day, and then drove us home. (He also drove us to the airport and was SO sweet!). We went back to the Black Pearl and got a small breakfast and a latte and were greeted by the sweet owner, who again offered us a place on the beach in front of his place.

We spent our final night in Koh Samui back at Fisherman's Village for the street market. Since this is only on Friday nights and since we were delirious the first time we went this was was much more enjoyable. We ate dinner by eating various street food, which was an excellent choice. We bartered, bargained and shopped. I wanted this night to go on forever...but it had to come an end...and luckily it ended with a songthaw (or tuk tuk) home - see the photo below. This was my favorite way to travel, as it was cheap and felt more local than just grabbing taxi.

Day 12-13:
We spent our last few early morning hours eating breakfast on the beach and sitting and taking in the gorgeous views.
We left Koh Samui early Sunday afternoon and arrived home Monday morning (our time). The trip was a few hours shorter on the way home but was still quite the trek. Unfortunately the Koh Samui airport is open-air so we started our long journey home by sweating while we waited on our flight. Fortunately however, we were lucky enough to have the only empty seat on the flight beside us on our longest flight home...giving us some extra comfort the 14 hour flight!

This was by the far the most amazing experience we have had thus far. I adore everything about Thailand. I love the culture. The people are amazing, so sweet, so kind, so friendly, and so eager to welcome visitors. The food was more than I could have expected. The views are something I will never forget and pictures will never do justice to. It was a perfect combination of relaxation (during our trip I got 5 massages and one pedicure!), adventure and sight-seeing. I cannot recommend Koh Samui enough and we can only hope that one day we will return.